


Oh, My Soul. Let Me Be In Your Now (Look Out Through My Eyes Look Out At The Things You Made.) All Things Shining

by Iamasortofvillain



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, don't worry no one actually dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:40:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28985001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamasortofvillain/pseuds/Iamasortofvillain
Summary: Post Dani's death. grief & healing.Jamie is grieving only things aren't as bad as they seem (promise).
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Jamie, Dani Clayton/Jamie, Hannah Grose & Owen Sharma, Hannah Grose/Owen Sharma, Jamie & Owen Sharma
Comments: 18
Kudos: 58





	Oh, My Soul. Let Me Be In Your Now (Look Out Through My Eyes Look Out At The Things You Made.) All Things Shining

**Author's Note:**

> It's a painful piece, i know.  
> Come yell at me @ love-jesus-but-i-drink-a-little.tumblr.com

There isn't a body to bury, although you'd have never buried her anyway. Dani, you think, would probably smile her sad smile, and appreciate the gesture, considering how much she hates closed small spaces, panic rising in her chest, jaw falling open, gasps erupting from her chest.

Hated, you remind yourself with no small amount of bitterness, of self-indulgence. Not _hate_ but _hated_. She doesn't hate anything anymore. Not much to hate at the bottom of the lake, you think.

(You _hope_ ).

You'd never put her in a coffin, even if it wouldn't have mattered.

If Dani had left a body behind, you think she's been suited for an ancient funeral pyre, white stephanotis woven in her golden hair. You'd have tried to memorise her pretty face for long enough to not forget; you'd have kissed her and wished elegies and whispered Rumi and watched the flames and the water and Dani was always a child of the light, and _why didn't you wake me?_ and _why did you have to die for love - ___

__You'd kiss her lips, one last time, before sending her off. You'd have let her go even if she did wake you. It was time, and you'd have let her go even though you know your heart be breaking._ _

_Poppins,_ you said a few nights ago when you laid her on the bed and kissed down her body when her eyes were already too distant for you to follow. _Like this? Like this?_

__

__//_ _

__

__You remember Rebecca's funeral. You remember how she died (of course you do)._ _

__You knelt down on the hard stone in a small church with her parents and Hannah and Owen. You cried. You begged and prayed and cried but no God answered you then._ _

__None answers you now._ _

__You think you had enough of prayers (but not enough of crying. Not just yet. You think you'll keep this up for a while)._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__The grief hits you in the strangest moments._ _

__The first time after you come back to your apartment, to your shop, to a shuttered life you no longer know how to navigate, the empty space Dani left is too big for you to safely ignore, it's in the shower. There's a stupid annoying knot of her hair in the drain and you are overwhelmed – by the water she no longer liked, by her dust, by all of what she left behind, still smelling like her, no longer warm._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You try hard to work at the flower shop, to _care_ about anything other than the knots in your stomach and how your chest physically aches. People ask after her, customers she liked, people who made dentures on Friday mornings especially for her smile, and you don't have it in you to tell them the truth so you lie and the lie is bitter on your tongue._ _

__Dani was, Dani _is_ , Dani will ever be the only thing in your world that is important, that you will love, that you will fight for (fight even yourself) and she is ( _was, was, was_ ) beautiful. Brilliant. Special. Your personal heaven turned personal hell._ _

__People as about her and you learn, with so much surprise you sob after, that some days, some minutes, you can smile for her._ _

__

__//_ _

__

___What if I'm here, sitting next to you, but I'm just really her,_ plays over and over in your head, followed by _You have to keep living after I'm gone. You can't give up. Jamie. Promise me. Promise me you'll never give up/_ and you don't know which is worse._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__Dani exists everywhere, really, even in her absence. More, you think, because of it._ _

__You light her candles, the one she bought for nights where neither one of you had the energy to go out, to sit in a restaurant, to pretend you want anything other than each other. You light her candles and you wonder if Dani is out there, in Bly, walking the grounds in the dark, in a universe, you can't see, in some distant constellation._ _

__You light her candles and you wonder if she's still present enough to think about you with the lady of the lake guiding her movements, tracing her features, and kissing her with such holiness, such damnation, making a familiar route through the crumbling house, not touching a soul._ _

__There is a moment where you wonder if you weren't actually worth sticking around and it's bitter and ugly and painful and you buy a ticket back to England, you want to go and confront her and scream and cry and demand Dani's release, but you don't go and you know you never will._ _

__You hope she isn't cold, in the lake, then walking outside. Bly can be cold in the winters, and Dani isn't good with keeping herself warm. You always had to make sure she's wearing enough layers and now – who will do this for her?_ _

__Hot tears roll down your cheeks. Dani is cold and you can't help her now. Or worse: Dani isn't cold because she is dead, and you're torturing yourself in vain with images of shivering shoulders and sad mismatched eyes and you hope and hope and hope she doesn't feel anything._ _

__Now, you think, it's time for you to feel everything for the both of you, painful and scary and burning._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You don't look for the weather in Bly. The panic is too great to overcome and it's consuming._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__Owen has his arms around you and you sob and sob and sob until you can't breathe, the front of his shirt covered in snot and tears._ _

__"She's cold," you're wailing and he's crying too, big arms wrapped tight around you. "Christ, Owen. What if she's cold?"_ _

__"She's not cold," he whispers into your hair, sniffling quietly and he must be thinking about someone who isn't Dani because he cries a quiet bitter cry, a shuddering cry of a man who has lost everything he ever cared for._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__On Owen's last day in the states, you both get roaringly drunk on a stash of liquor you keep in a distant corner. You and Dani were never interested in more than the occasional beer or a glass of red wine on lazy nights._ _

__The liquor is good though after a few painful drinks you don't really notice._ _

__There is lipstick on one of the rims of a glass in the sink, a piece of Dani you couldn't bear to erase._ _

__You want to kiss her and it burns._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__A week later Owen calls to check up on you and tells you that you have to start clearing out her things because it will help you move on._ _

__You tell him you understand, and you can't say anything else and after a few moments of silence, he says a soft "alright" and hangs up and you keep nodding into the apartment, to no one at all, standing in the middle of the living room for an indefinite amount of time._ _

__You try to remember the way her thumb brushed against your hand, your cheek, your clit. You try to remember how gentle her small hands were, how beautiful her pretty features were and how deep her voice got when you moved against her, when she rubbed herself on your palm, when she laughed after burning another dinner._ _

__Dani refuses to haunt the clogged sink and the filled bathtub and the mirrors you put everywhere in the house, but she haunts you anyway. You think she'll haunt you for the rest of your life because Dani is living inside your burning chest and you prefer to have your heart tearing apart than not having her at all._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__It takes another month for you to start clearing out the closet. Her 'half' of the closet, at least, which had kind of messily gotten mixed up with yours in a life you never meant to give up. There are her skirts and denim jackets and pink fluffy sweaters and a stack of plain t-shirts she liked to wear around the house and you don't want to look at the shirts she used to steal from your half, now, and you cry when you brush your fingers against the pastel colours, the soft fabric, because it's almost like touching her._ _

__You think this whole time you haven't done quite enough, haven't told her everything you needed her to know, had spent too much time arguing over stupid details you can't even remember the source of, and you stop crying and bury your face in one of the pink jumpers that she used to wear, a one she had with her back in Bly, back before you loved her to the point of breaking, and _god_ the brightness of the thing is so holy you think it might eat you alive._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__On the following week you don't open the shop because for a while you debate to _never_ get out of bed, where you're still able to smell her on the pillows and dirty sheets, but eventually, you get hungry and you go the kitchen and there are some containers with something that used to be food, something Dani had made, and it's messy and ruined and you are sick on the floor._ _

__For the first time, you wish you could drink her awful tea._ _

__You make it bad to try and remember, but it isn't hers and you end up being sick again._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You wake up at three in the morning and throw up again, all over the sheets, and for a moment you start to cry, because now you will have to wash it and there will be no trace of her left, but suddenly it strikes you as so funny, so completely hysterical, that you start to laugh through tears._ _

__It takes you until you're putting the ruined sheets in the machine and pressing the right buttons, everything is quiet and Dani is not there to laugh with you anymore._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You don't know _why_ you do this, but some nights, when you can't sleep, you go through Dani's purse and you take a deep breath before you do it. It's completely irrational because it's private, but also it isn't anymore, and there isn't anything new for you to find._ _

___You should have saved her,_ you think with some kind of foolish doomed desperation. _You should have thought of something. You should have come up with something. Instead, you just let her go_._ _

__You drink tea until you fall asleep on the sofa, and it's warm like autumn, and you think, spinning: _you should have saved her.__ _

__You know you could never._ _

__You know Dani would have never allowed it._ _

___Promise me,_ she said, urgent and angry, hands shaking you hard, eyes burning in different colours. _Promise me you'll never give up. Promise me you'll live as long as you can and you'll be happy. Promise me you'll be happy, Jamie_._ _

__How can you be anything but miserable?_ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You think it's strange that someone you knew for such a long time gathered not enough space inside you._ _

__You wonder if, in her waking death, Dani grieves for you too._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You still buy things that Dani liked. You change the sheets, but you keep her favourite pillow-case. You go to the grocery and get her favourite package of cookies, a jar of jam, milk, and a fresh bouquet of roses._ _

__The nights are clear this time of year and you sit on the window seal and watch the stars. You think Dani would be happy sitting next to you, she used to do it on these kinds of nights when you were too tired and too busy and wanted just to hug her and not talk at all._ _

__You think she might come back, might open the door and laugh and say it was all temporary, because life isn't worth living away from you and because it's too cruel and too stupid but Dani doesn't come back._ _

__You're so angry at her for no reason and you curse with every word you know. You take plates and glasses and fling them on the opposite wall._ _

__But Dani is not there, she's _not there_ , and you tire yourself out eventually. It's lonely to scream at nothing at all but empty space, where she should be. You'd take her bad days and angry words, you'd take her even if she wouldn't say a word of kindness ever again. You want her, even if it means you only get to have her close and never touch her again._ _

__You heave sobs, painful and ones that rip through your entire body and you miss Dani more than you ever missed anything in your life. You think you'll go back to prison if you'd know that at the end of the tunnel you'll see her if she'd wait for you on the other side._ _

__When your sobs quiet down and the apartment is a mess of broken glass and spilled marble, you don't have enough breath to apologise, even though you want to._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You call Owen and you both cry, Owen's tears hot and comforting, million miles away._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__"Think about cutting my hair," you tell him one night, the phone pressed between your cheek and shoulder and he makes a sad attempt at a laugh._ _

__You stand in front of the mirror, hoping to see Dani, and you stare at your own reflection for a long time._ _

__You go as far as grabbing a pair of scissors before you get the wind knocked out of you because you'd cut Dani's hair for her once and there are these tiny little golden hairs still stuck on the blades._ _

___Poppins,_ you think, _You've left so much of yourself behind.__ _

__You sit down on the bathroom floor because your legs are weak and you can't make yourself move. You don't move for hours from the same exact spot, remembering how soft Dani's skull had been under your hands._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You clean the scissors and the remnants of her steps slough like dry skin, the soft remains of something once upon a time; the hairs dissolve like dust._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__On her nightstand, Dani kept a small perfume bottle, crystal and expansive, and you don't remember when she bought it or if it was a present for some meaningless occasion. Dani's scent was something you could never quite place, but it was earthy and musky and filled with light undertones, like crayons and like sunlight and like home._ _

__Smell, you know, is a strong memory trigger, so you take the bottle and smell it as gently as you can._ _

__It's not exactly how she smelled but if you close your eyes hard enough you can recall her wrists and the soft skin under her heart._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You try to avoid memories that are nothing special, but you don't want to forget her. You just need to remember her on your own._ _

__You avoid all the sweet memories that don't hold much weight on the surface but run deep. Dani, offhandedly commenting on books. Dani, lounging on your shared bed while you're _trying_ to work on an order for the shop. Dani, sighing on sheets of paper for shipping, doing repetitive every day things that cut you like sharp knives._ _

__To exist in a world where she doesn't anymore hurts your palms._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You're angry at her for dying, for leaving, for giving in to the beast, for not taking you with her when she had the chance because it's not the same as not loving you; it's deeper than love and you prefer to have her out in the world, making small noises into someone else's ear, breaking all kinds of pointless rules, than not have her at all._ _

__But Dani loved you more than too much. She did. She did. She did._ _

__

__//_ _

__

You read about a lovely art project, the artist installed more than thirty thousand flowers at some mental health centre in California. A persistent absence, the article reads. 

__You think Dani would have adored it. You think she would have made you hop on a plane and go see it, even though it isn't a long weekend and you have responsibilities._ _

__You think about ghosts and petaled haunting and everything about her lungs, filled with cold water, too far to miss, not too far to love. Close enough to hurt._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You don't go to see the art project alone. When you tell Owen about it, he doesn't offer to go see it with you._ _

__Some things, you both know, just hurt too much to talk about._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__There's a small collection of films Dani used to watch, sometimes religiously. You usually rented whatever you felt like watching, but Dani, not much for possessions and possessiveness, still bought her favourites and lined them on the bookcase, in your bedroom._ _

__You've seen three out of five and now you close your eyes and pick one at random._ _

__The film is transfixing and you can see Dani's lovely eyes, one brown and one blue, in every shot._ _

__All at once, you can't breathe._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You listen to the music she used to like and you think that's grief. That's grief when you hear the jazz and the early punk and the love songs she slowed danced to with you in her arm._ _

__Some songs are sad and you know she loved it because it sounds blue, it sounds like a bruise, it sounds like three centuries of never hearing a heartbeat, of dark forests too thick for people to walk through, of old chests in the attic, of love turned to envy, of something far away and distant in space and time._ _

__Nothing like your shared life._ _

__Nothing like her hands on your thighs, spreading you open for her eager tongue._ _

__Nothing like cuddling._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You don't clear away her books or her notebooks or her photos._ _

__You go through them gently and with care and really you just take them out and rearrange them on the shelves because you figure Dani wouldn't mind you doing it. She was never one for an arranged system._ _

__You have a lot of books and Dani's copies are fairly new but extremely worn. She preferred paperbacks on your lovely hard-covers for no reason at all._ _

__You flip through the worn paperbacks, fingering the soft pages and Dani's soft notes she stuck between them, her handwriting pretty and perfect, unlike your messy scribbles._ _

__Dani was all soft angles and forgiving grace and her hands were so soft and gentle and young. You miss her hands just as much as you miss her eyes._ _

__You flip through the pages, spotting her notes like an explorer._ _

___Forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home_._ _

__Her words steal the last piece of possible childhood within you and you do not want to be absolved of your sins and past mistakes and your tragedy._ _

__There are too many flowers you get to live with anyway._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__Owen calls when you're trying to figure out a new order for a shop you no longer interested in and you don't want to talk to him because today hasn't been a good one so far, so you try to end the call quickly._ _

__"Just kinda in the middle of something," you say slowly, exhaustedly, but Owen's voice is high pitched and strange and on the verge of panicked screaming._ _

__"Something happened," he wheezes. "Sit tight. We're on our way"._ _

__He doesn't make much sense because he still must be in Paris and who the hell is 'we' and why does he sound so out of breath? You weren't planning on going anywhere, so you just sigh and agree to wait for him and then hang up._ _

__Dani is too present in the apartment and you can't give the shipment and the weekly orders your full attention, so you end up falling asleep._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You're still half asleep when you hear the door creak and you're not sure how you feel about burglars or visitors, both parties being equally annoying._ _

__Then you take one look at muddy footprints and dark jeans and before your stomach flips over and your head feels fuzzy because you're not all sure if this is real or if this is a symptom of too much alcohol consumption and less than average sleep._ _

__You can't really talk, although all of a sudden you're standing, and Owen smiles and so does Dani, tired and worn out and very very dirty._ _

__"Hi," she says – yells, a little bit, and it takes you so much by surprise that you start to laugh._ _

__You walk toward her quickly, and she's got a black eye and scrapes along her hands and you think she might have some broken fingers and a burn on her neck, but her left eye is blue and so is what you can see of her right one, and Owen is crying behind her back._ _

__"Dani?" you ask as if there is any other possibility and for a moment a flash of confusion passes over her beaten-up features and you wonder if it really is her or something else in her body or maybe it's just a stupid wishful agonising dream._ _

__But Owen nods and gives her a small friendly push and Dani is nodding and she takes another hesitant step toward you and then she's in your arms and she's hugging you back strong and gentle and warm and your chest is pressed to hers._ _

___She's here_ , your heart, bleeding and broken and hammering, sings. _She's here_._ _

__"Dani," you mumble. "You're really here? You're here?"_ _

__Dani doesn't respond and you open your eyes and back up. Owen is tapping his ear for some reason and you wonder if you lost your mind but Dani is still here, standing in your arms, slightly wild and wide-eyed and completely bruised._ _

__Dani's face is gentle and all sorts of colours and her eyes are honest and so real and you touch her face tentatively._ _

__"You're here," you say again and her eyes move to your lips. It's such a Dani thing to do you almost sob, but she isn't looking at your mouth like she wants to kiss you, but with furrowed brows and Owen is still tapping on his ear._ _

__"She can't hear you, love." He says._ _

__"Yeah," Dani says, way too loud. "But I can't hear very well"._ _

__It's quite possibly the best thing you've ever heard her say and it's easy and something you can deal with and you find yourself laughing again, this time tears running down your face, and you take her head in your hands and kiss her fiercely._ _

__She tastes like Dani. There is no trace of anything else. Your nose is filled with her special scent, mixed with blood and earth and a tang of sweat. You inhale deeply. You don't care about the filth and the mud and the bruises. Underneath all that, Dani is standing in your home, the home you built together, and she's _here_._ _

__"I can't hear at all, I don't think – "_ _

__You're kissing her again and you notice that there is a trickle of dried blood from either of her ears._ _

__"S'alright," you say. "Poppins," and she's beaming at you, wincing from the pain in her face._ _

__"That's really, really okay"._ _

__Dani is nodding and it's easy, so easy, to press your lips against hers again._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__Dani takes a shower and you sit Owen forcibly into the sofa and press a cup of hot tea into his big hand. He looks exhausted and out of breath and you move around the apartment like an animal in a cage, sure you're imagining everything._ _

__Then Dani emerges from the bathroom with much less blood and filth on her and you're angry because you'd worked so hard to grieve well, but here she is._ _

__(You're not really angry. You're scared out of your mind)._ _

__"Hey," she says when you close the door to the bedroom and you find yourself standing and touching her with fluttering hands, nothing like you used to touch her, because there's a thrill of redemption in feeling her body against yours and if it's a dream, you don't want to wake up._ _

__"I'm sorry," Dani almost yells and you hug her and only let go when she starts shivering, a single towel wrapped around her._ _

__You don't let go of her hand though._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__"How?" you demand and Dani is sitting on the sofa, pressed to your side, hand still held firmly in yours._ _

__Owen shrugs and looks as shocked as you feel. "Dunno. She just came to me. I…"_ _

__Dani squeezes your fingers. "There isn't a lot I remember"._ _

__You sniffle._ _

__"She let me go. I couldn't bear being away from you, and I – I think it hurt her. how much… how much I love you"._ _

__Owen wipes tears from under his eyes with a single finger. His mustache flutters._ _

__"That's…" your voice is a low rasping whisper and you can't find in you enough energy to do much beyond holding her close._ _

__When Owen excuses himself to the bathroom, clearing his throat and moving too fast, you kiss Dani again because you've enough absence to make up for already and you don't ever want to let her go._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You learn slowly to build your life back up. Dani, apart from being shaken and bruised, apart from being broken and hard of hearing, is the same woman you loved for almost thirteen years._ _

__You go to the doctor and find out Dani's earing has been damaged, but she sits patiently and with a little bit of embarrassment as the doctor fits her with small hearing aids and when you say her name when you try to joke, Dani's smile is the biggest grin you've ever seen._ _

__"It's good to hear your voice again," she cries in the perfect volume._ _

__"Baby," you say, low and smooth and nothing like you feel. "You're going to get tired of this"._ _

__"Never." Is her forever promise and the doctor smiles lovely and fatherly when you lean in and kiss her._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You're in bed with her later that night, and Dani is messing with her hearing aid. There's a frown on her face and you take her hand and tangle your fingers, slipping them in the spaces between hers._ _

__"You're alright"._ _

__"I am"._ _

__"Can't believe you came back"._ _

__Dani smiles a sad little smile, her eyes perfectly blue and so strange. You're used to two different colours. You think it's the easiest thing in the world, getting used to this deep electric blue._ _

__"I love you," she says simply. "Jamie – "_ _

__"I know," you tell her because you're scared and tired and you're afraid she'll disappear. "I love you, too"._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__You both heal slowly. You breathe back her absence by palming her breasts, by kissing her collarbones, by feeling her ache around you, trembling and wet and hot and powerful._ _

__Dani is beautiful, more beautiful than you'd been able to imagine. More beautiful than you've ever thought her to be. She's gentle and lovely and rough at all the right moments._ _

__Dani stays close to you. She doesn't go to the drugstores alone, she doesn't run on errands. She keeps close, close enough to touch and you realise she's just scared as you are that this is all just a cruel dream._ _

__Then she moves slightly, makes some distance and it takes a couple of months for her to gain enough confidence to close the bathroom door behind her as she takes a shower._ _

__You smile at her, big and happy and playful and Dani smiles back._ _

__Maybe, this is the opposite of grief._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__One morning Dani says she wants to go for pancakes, and there's a conspiring smile on her face. you wrap her up in a coat and mittens and she puts a scarf around your neck and a beanie on your messy unruly head and she wraps her arm around your elbow as you go out._ _

__Dani is talking very very very quietly and you smile, though you keep facing forward because sometimes Dani just needs to ramble and that hasn't changed._ _

__" – and Hannah," she says and you stop dead in your tracks._ _

__"What?" you almost choke. "What'd you say?"_ _

__Dani takes a little, shaking breath and turns to you. She kisses you gently enough to make you want to cry, to make your palm ache, to make you want to sink on your knees and worship the only thing you ever found worth worshiping, golden and electric and beaming, no ghosts hidden behind her eyes, bad memories still haunting her beautiful features._ _

__She says, "Jamie! Weren't you paying attention?" and there's a playful, teasing glint in her eyes._ _

__"Hannah?" you open and close your mouth, heart-swelling. "Owen _and_ Hannah"._ _

__Dani kisses you again._ _

__

__//_ _

__

__Your breath floats holy ghosts as light seeps everywhere and Dani's palm is hot in your hand and Hannah hugs you tight and loving and you turn your face up, searching for Owen, and you're both are crying._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> English is not my first language, and also I'm rocking ADHD like a MF so please excuse any and every misspellings, mistakes, and other Grammarly atrocities.


End file.
